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Random Thoughts During A Random Teeth Cleaning

(Photo by John Moore/Getty Images)

The other day I got a phone call from a number that I vaguely recognized.  “I know that number from somewhere…”  so I decided to answer it.  It was my dentist’s office reminding me that I was due for a teeth cleaning and they had an opening that very afternoon.   Son of a b–

So, what the hell… I’ll bite the bullet and get it over with.  Sure, they had sent the reminder card in the mail a few weeks ago, but who actually sets aside time for that kind of pain?  It’s better I guess to just get it sprung on you so you don’t spend time fretting about it.  This teeth cleaning took just over an hour, which if you ask me is a pretty long time.

Here’s a few things that ran through my head, while I sat there staring at a blank ceiling:

  • Seriously, are you using a scythe for scraping my teeth?
  • Has anyone ever bleed to death in here?
  • I need the water spray, like now…
  • …you already went over that spot…
  • do you think dental hygienists like their job?  I would hate scraping crap off someone else’s teeth… And there are some pretty ugly teeth out there.
  • I think I hear someone crying in the other room
  • Where else do people go for this kind of pain?  Why do we do it?
  • I think I’m going to gag on her knuckles they are so far down my throat.
  • I could probably make her feel just as uncomfortable as I am feeling if I just stared into her eyes the whole time.


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