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5 Reasons Fruits And Vegetables Are Killing Me

(Photo by Denis Doyle/Getty Images)

I came out of the womb with a porterhouse steak in one hand, and a 2/3 bacon cheeseburger in the other.  It’s a true story.  You can look it up on my long form birth certificate.   Well, I’m growing up.  I figured since the only time I eat vegetables is when it’s on a burger, I should change that.

Recently I’ve been eating more fruits and vegetables.  It’s been a severe shock to my body.  Here’s 5 reasons fruits and vegetables are killing me.

1.  There’s an outbreak of a mutant e-coli string in Europe found in tomatoes and other veggies.

This is really happening.  I’ve been stressing out that maybe my lettuce and tomatoes may be poisoned!  Stress raises blood pressure, high blood pressure is the silent killer…  Boom.  I’m dead.

2.  Seriously, how can someone get full on fruit? The other night I was starving.  My stomach was growling and I was going through meat withdrawals.  It had been a whole 6 hours since I ate meat.  I figured I would grab a low calorie apple to satisfy my hunger.  Yeah right.  I ate the apple, then the core, then the napkin.  Still hungry.  If your stomach growls that much, you must be dying.

3.  Roughage. Roughage is food that is hard to digest.  The best example is lettuce.  Have you ever tried eating salad for three days straight?  For this meat eater, it didn’t turn out so well.

4.  Cutting Accidents. Chopping vegetables can be dangerous.  Just ask the gash on my left hand from that slippery green pepper.  I guess I need to sharpen some knives.

5.  Vegetables spoil, Slim Jim’s don’t. I can’t even count how many times I’ve stood staring at a head of lettuce, wondering if those slightly brown leaves are going to kill me.  Is it safe?  Is it spoiled?  Is it supposed to turn brown like that.  Is this how fresh vegetables are supposed to smell?  I have no idea.  Nicely salted and dried meat will never let you down.

In conclusion, yes I’m eating more vegetables and fruits.  I’m trying to cut down on salty snacks.  I’m even drinking more water and not so much beer.  (except for hot days, long days, and weekends, paydays, holidays, etc.)  I know this healthier diet is good for me, but I need to grumble a little bit.  It’s probably because I’m realizing that I’m at the age now where I need to start taking care of myself before it gets out of control.  Pray for me.

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