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Happy Birthday Bob Dylan, 10 Reasons You Won’t Come Back Home

Getty Images/Kevin Winter

I just wanted to take a moment to say happy birthday to Bob Dylan, who today turns 71 years old today.  We were talking about this at the office, and started asking questions about why he won’t come back.There have been efforts to get Bob to come back for even just a visit to Hibbing, MN.  The most recent was 2010′s “Come Home Bob” Campaign.  Here’s a clip:

Either way, that was 2 years ago and there was never a response from Bob.  He hasn’t been back.  Yet there still is the “Dylan Days” in Hibbing, and some will never give up hope that the prodigal son will return.  So why doesn’t Bob come back?  Here’s some reasons I’ve thought up.

1.  Horrific memories of bitter cold winters. Back before these mild winters, a -60 cold snap almost made me run away for ever, too.

2.  Got sick of people thinking he wrote “Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald.” It was Gordon Lightfoot, for the last time!

3.   Ate an undercooked pastie when he was younger, got sick. Primarily a range food, this could cause some bad feelings about returning.

4.  Obviously hasn’t heard about the world’s largest hockey stick in Eveleth yet.

5.  He’ll plan a trip once slot limits for walleye are relaxed. (Vermillion relaxed a little this year, Bob.)

6.  He’s been waiting for the underground Soudan Mine to re-open. Technically he had plenty of time before the fire temporarily shut it down last year.  It will be opening soon though, and it’s a fun time!

7.  Still waiting for Ironworld to be named “Dylan World.”

8.  Maybe we need a special honor to give him, like a Tommy Rukavina Honor. It’s like the Range’s Kennedy Center Honor.   I’m sure we could convince the long time Iron Range Politician to come up with something nice and shiny.

9.  Perhaps he’s got a strict “No Hot Dish Diet.” I hear it’s the new thing sweeping the nation.   Range is notorious for hot dishes.

10.  Saw the movie “North Country,” didn’t realize it was set in the past. Maybe he saw the show and thought, “Hey these Rangers are still a bunch of sexist jerks!”  No no no Bob.  That movie was set years ago, Rangers have changed!  They even drive import cars now!  There’s woman mayors!  Female college interns work at the mines!  They teach other languages in school!  The range has come a long way!

Either way, I’m not going to hold my breath that Bob Dylan will ever return to his homeland.  If he does, I’ll be happy to welcome him.  But for now, Happy Birthday Bob, I’m fine without ya.

 

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